My life sucks soo much right now!!! I am not allowed to get my license until I have all A's in school, have filled out all my scholarship papers, gotten a job and paid for my car to be fixed. So basically I have to go to school full time, then come home and do homework for at least two hours on average or go to work first then do homework and not have any time to do anything but why would I want to do anything anyway? I mean its only my senior year and the third high school I've gone to so what's the big deal. Might as well just keep going through life with no real purpose than to work. I AM NOT AN ADULT YET!!!! Everyone is saying that you should have fun and do what you want to in high school, still do your work but it isnt the time to be stressing about money and relationships and family stuff. Fuck. I guess I'm doing it all wrong!
School is so stressful! Right now as of Monday I have to find twelve quotes from this book I'm reading, write four thesis statements for a poster project that is suppose to be a group project which is all due tomorrow and do a character map with fifteen characters, each having a symbol in color and connecting to another character and so on with a paragraph of description on a poster board due Thursday and this is all for one fucking class!!! Yay! Kill me? Someone. Please. ANYONE!
Growing up sucks. I just want to fly to neverland...
Monday, October 21, 2013
Sunday, October 13, 2013
Reasoning
The reason I wrote about my experiences with sex isn't to show everyone that I am someone different than they thought but to let people know how I feel. It's complicated actually but mainly I feel worthless. Although I have the best family in the world and they would do anything for me, I don't have a group of people at school that I fit in at. At church I am the weird girl who doesn't talk and in seminary I am like some punk or something that no one can put up with.
I honestly feel like no one wants me unless it for all the wrong reasons. Even all the good guys just want something. I feel like that's all I am. Its stupid and typical for a girl to go on and on about something like this but that's how I truly feel right now and its been affecting me A LOT lately and I don't know what to do.
I Hate Myself with a burning passion. I can't even look in the mirror when I'm putting on makeup and think to myself that I am normal. I look at myself in complete and utter disgust. Of course no one knows this because I carry myself confidently, wear makeup, do my hair everyday and dress nice daily so that people won't be so quick to judge.
I am just scared to death that one day all of you are going to see right through my costume and mask and not like what you see. I know I don't like it.
I honestly feel like no one wants me unless it for all the wrong reasons. Even all the good guys just want something. I feel like that's all I am. Its stupid and typical for a girl to go on and on about something like this but that's how I truly feel right now and its been affecting me A LOT lately and I don't know what to do.
I Hate Myself with a burning passion. I can't even look in the mirror when I'm putting on makeup and think to myself that I am normal. I look at myself in complete and utter disgust. Of course no one knows this because I carry myself confidently, wear makeup, do my hair everyday and dress nice daily so that people won't be so quick to judge.
I am just scared to death that one day all of you are going to see right through my costume and mask and not like what you see. I know I don't like it.
MY LITTLE BLACK BOOK
The first time I ever had sex was with this guy named Kris Newcomb. I would do anything to get someone like him to even look at me. I swear every girl liked him at one point or another, although most the time they quickly got over him because he was a jerk who was so full of himself and all he wanted was sex. I never did quite get over him though.
It was my first time. I didn't know what to do. I had liked him briefly over the years but my sophomore year I had a class with him! It was history class and we sat across the room from each other but I was always looking or thinking about him. I can't even explain him. He was so cute, blonde hair- blonde curly hair. He was just a tough guy who did what he wanted and was his own person. I loved it and I wanted it. For some reason that year I was actually attractive to guys. I wore makeup and knew not to wear baggy clothes. So this guy, Kris, one day after class started talking to me about our test grades or something and then something shocking happened! He asked me for my number. With out a doubt I gave it to him. Quickly after we were texting all the time and eventually I came to his house.
His parents weren't home when he asked me to come home with him. I was ecstatic! I told my dad I was going bowling with some friends after school (because Kris lived near the bowling alley) and everything was perfect. Kris and I weren't dating, we had never even held hands or hugged for too long. I can honestly say I didn't know what to expect. I mean I have kissed guys before him and dated but this was Kris Newcomb...
First to get me comfortable he offered me something to drink, then we listened to music. Clearly I didn't know what to do with myself, I was sooo awkward. I don't actually remember how it started, I think it was me, but we started to kiss and very quickly that lead to other things.
This was my first time! I could have easily stopped it but I didn't want to, not then, not with him. Sex was sex. It was great and I won't go into details but it wasn't too long, at least I didn't think so. Afterward Kris played a song on his guitar that he had written and then not too long after he was pushing me out the door because his dad was going to be home soon.
I left his house and was three miles away from my house. I had no way to get home and was freaking out. I was calling everyone but no one answered. As I walked down the road some more this guy and a motorcycle pulled over and asked me if I needed a ride. I did. I needed a ride and so I got on and got home just before my father. This young guy who rode me home was 22 and just came back from army or something. He was Indian and pretty cute. His name was Aaron, we started texting the day he dropped me off. He ended up being a total sweetheart but I won't go into it.
Kris stopped talking to me after our interaction. He didn't come to school either. He started attending a charter school.
I never quite got over him.
I thought it was normal for the guy to do this sorta thing and it was a part of life. Which lead me to guy number two.
Mathew Milder. I was still a sophomore and the year was almost over when I had sex with Mathew. I came home from school early and wanted to hangout with him. I told him where I lived and told him to walk right in. He was cool but too cool for me. He was a freshmen. When he came over we put on a movie and talked. He kissed me and then we started to make out. Somehow that lead to sex. That really didn't last long.
To be completely honest I didn't even like Mat!
Guy number three: Cameron Arnold, the football player. I was friends with him on Facebook and thought he was cute so we started texting. I found out lots of things about him, like he had a girlfriend but she hated when he drank and partied and never wanted to have sex. Cameron came along shortly after Mathew and so it was kinda just a binge and I met up with him one day. We planned on having sex. We drove up towards this dirt road and parked the car. We had sex in his little black Mazda. It was horrible.
I was visiting my mother in Washington for summer break, before my Junior year when I met Andrew. I never did find out his last name. We met at a park one day. I was going through a major punk phase where I loved guys who smoked and had tattoos and crap. Andrew was perfect. He smoked, had snake bite lip piercings and long blonde hair. When we met he was really quite but I was into him. His friend on the other hand was super social and was flirting with my friend and I and put his number in my phone... the only reason I text him was because I wanted Andrew's number. Andrew and I met each other later that night at a park next to my mother's house. It was perfect night to sneak out because my uncle was gone and he had a low window in his room with no screen. I left my house and hung out with Andrew. He was different though. We talked for easily two hours straight about EVERYTHING! We told each other stories about the stuff we have done or want to do and then we kissed and it was just perfect. He picked me up and carried me to a park bench. He took off his friends jacket (John Brown, the guy who was flirting with me) and we had sex on that jacket on that bench in the middle of an open park! It was actually the most amazing sex I've ever had. Someone did see us having sex though, it was some woman walking her dog in the middle of the night... we thought it was funny at the time... Andrew and I talked all the time and planned the next time we would see each other and talked about how much we liked each other. About a month after I came home to Nevada he stopped talking to me completely. I heard he lost his phone or something and haven't heard from him since.
The last guy I had sex with was Tyler Lillie. I fell for him so fast! This was my junior year, right before I moved to Oregon. Tyler and I dated for a week or two and I was crazy about him! I don't know what it was... maybe because he was a smoker, had curly hair, but honestly it was just everything. Tyler told me that if I had sex with him, when I moved he would still talk to me everyday. He promised and I wanted him to, even though I knew he wouldn't. I wanted to have sex with him. I did have sex with him. In his best friends house... on his best friends bed... while his best friend Dustin Lattimer was still in the room technically. Dustin went up in the attic in his room and could hear the whole thing. Yup. Dustin and I kept talking after I moved but Tyler and I didn't, Tyler got a girlfriend the day I moved and is now engaged to her for the moment.
So this is the big secret. People who know me would never guess but honestly I just wanted to be wanted. I have a great life and an amazing family who loves me but I don't know what is wrong with me.
I get so depressed sometimes when I hear girls talk about who they think are whores because they had sex with two guys or have kissed eight guys or because of what she wears.
I am the master of disguise! I go to an LDS church, I am Mormon!!! Its highly against our religion to have sex before marriage.
I don't want kids. I don't want to get married. I want to live alone and have a career. I hate people so much because I have fallen for all the wrong guys and have done everything with them but I have also fallen for the right guys and they wanted to do the same things but I stopped it. If I had sex with every guy who tried or got close, my number would not be five, it would be like fifteen!! I hate myself for every time I had sex with them. I hate myself for having such little self worth that I would do that but I hate myself most of all because I live a lie. I tell people that I don't drink alcohol or caffeine, I tell them as a mormon I don't go to parties or skip class and I don't wear short shorts or slutty dresses and I don't throw myself at every guy. I act mature, responsible and classy but I definitely not loud, obnoxious, irresponsible or slutty.
My dirty little secret is Kris Newcomb. Mathew Milder. Cameron Arnold. Andrew. Tyler Lillie.
My regrets: Kris Newcomb.
Sometimes Kris still talks to me, tells me how life is or how he's depressed and needs help. One time he even told me he was going to kill himself because he has nothing or no one to live for and wanted to say good bye to me. Every time he has ever pulled this shit with me I fall. I fall hard and I try to do everything I can for him. I swear I would do anything for him and he's the crappiest of them all! I don't even care about all the others. Only him.
He's the one I regret because I couldn't handle everything after him.
It was my first time. I didn't know what to do. I had liked him briefly over the years but my sophomore year I had a class with him! It was history class and we sat across the room from each other but I was always looking or thinking about him. I can't even explain him. He was so cute, blonde hair- blonde curly hair. He was just a tough guy who did what he wanted and was his own person. I loved it and I wanted it. For some reason that year I was actually attractive to guys. I wore makeup and knew not to wear baggy clothes. So this guy, Kris, one day after class started talking to me about our test grades or something and then something shocking happened! He asked me for my number. With out a doubt I gave it to him. Quickly after we were texting all the time and eventually I came to his house.
His parents weren't home when he asked me to come home with him. I was ecstatic! I told my dad I was going bowling with some friends after school (because Kris lived near the bowling alley) and everything was perfect. Kris and I weren't dating, we had never even held hands or hugged for too long. I can honestly say I didn't know what to expect. I mean I have kissed guys before him and dated but this was Kris Newcomb...
First to get me comfortable he offered me something to drink, then we listened to music. Clearly I didn't know what to do with myself, I was sooo awkward. I don't actually remember how it started, I think it was me, but we started to kiss and very quickly that lead to other things.
This was my first time! I could have easily stopped it but I didn't want to, not then, not with him. Sex was sex. It was great and I won't go into details but it wasn't too long, at least I didn't think so. Afterward Kris played a song on his guitar that he had written and then not too long after he was pushing me out the door because his dad was going to be home soon.
I left his house and was three miles away from my house. I had no way to get home and was freaking out. I was calling everyone but no one answered. As I walked down the road some more this guy and a motorcycle pulled over and asked me if I needed a ride. I did. I needed a ride and so I got on and got home just before my father. This young guy who rode me home was 22 and just came back from army or something. He was Indian and pretty cute. His name was Aaron, we started texting the day he dropped me off. He ended up being a total sweetheart but I won't go into it.
Kris stopped talking to me after our interaction. He didn't come to school either. He started attending a charter school.
I never quite got over him.
I thought it was normal for the guy to do this sorta thing and it was a part of life. Which lead me to guy number two.
Mathew Milder. I was still a sophomore and the year was almost over when I had sex with Mathew. I came home from school early and wanted to hangout with him. I told him where I lived and told him to walk right in. He was cool but too cool for me. He was a freshmen. When he came over we put on a movie and talked. He kissed me and then we started to make out. Somehow that lead to sex. That really didn't last long.
To be completely honest I didn't even like Mat!
Guy number three: Cameron Arnold, the football player. I was friends with him on Facebook and thought he was cute so we started texting. I found out lots of things about him, like he had a girlfriend but she hated when he drank and partied and never wanted to have sex. Cameron came along shortly after Mathew and so it was kinda just a binge and I met up with him one day. We planned on having sex. We drove up towards this dirt road and parked the car. We had sex in his little black Mazda. It was horrible.
I was visiting my mother in Washington for summer break, before my Junior year when I met Andrew. I never did find out his last name. We met at a park one day. I was going through a major punk phase where I loved guys who smoked and had tattoos and crap. Andrew was perfect. He smoked, had snake bite lip piercings and long blonde hair. When we met he was really quite but I was into him. His friend on the other hand was super social and was flirting with my friend and I and put his number in my phone... the only reason I text him was because I wanted Andrew's number. Andrew and I met each other later that night at a park next to my mother's house. It was perfect night to sneak out because my uncle was gone and he had a low window in his room with no screen. I left my house and hung out with Andrew. He was different though. We talked for easily two hours straight about EVERYTHING! We told each other stories about the stuff we have done or want to do and then we kissed and it was just perfect. He picked me up and carried me to a park bench. He took off his friends jacket (John Brown, the guy who was flirting with me) and we had sex on that jacket on that bench in the middle of an open park! It was actually the most amazing sex I've ever had. Someone did see us having sex though, it was some woman walking her dog in the middle of the night... we thought it was funny at the time... Andrew and I talked all the time and planned the next time we would see each other and talked about how much we liked each other. About a month after I came home to Nevada he stopped talking to me completely. I heard he lost his phone or something and haven't heard from him since.
The last guy I had sex with was Tyler Lillie. I fell for him so fast! This was my junior year, right before I moved to Oregon. Tyler and I dated for a week or two and I was crazy about him! I don't know what it was... maybe because he was a smoker, had curly hair, but honestly it was just everything. Tyler told me that if I had sex with him, when I moved he would still talk to me everyday. He promised and I wanted him to, even though I knew he wouldn't. I wanted to have sex with him. I did have sex with him. In his best friends house... on his best friends bed... while his best friend Dustin Lattimer was still in the room technically. Dustin went up in the attic in his room and could hear the whole thing. Yup. Dustin and I kept talking after I moved but Tyler and I didn't, Tyler got a girlfriend the day I moved and is now engaged to her for the moment.
So this is the big secret. People who know me would never guess but honestly I just wanted to be wanted. I have a great life and an amazing family who loves me but I don't know what is wrong with me.
I get so depressed sometimes when I hear girls talk about who they think are whores because they had sex with two guys or have kissed eight guys or because of what she wears.
I am the master of disguise! I go to an LDS church, I am Mormon!!! Its highly against our religion to have sex before marriage.
I don't want kids. I don't want to get married. I want to live alone and have a career. I hate people so much because I have fallen for all the wrong guys and have done everything with them but I have also fallen for the right guys and they wanted to do the same things but I stopped it. If I had sex with every guy who tried or got close, my number would not be five, it would be like fifteen!! I hate myself for every time I had sex with them. I hate myself for having such little self worth that I would do that but I hate myself most of all because I live a lie. I tell people that I don't drink alcohol or caffeine, I tell them as a mormon I don't go to parties or skip class and I don't wear short shorts or slutty dresses and I don't throw myself at every guy. I act mature, responsible and classy but I definitely not loud, obnoxious, irresponsible or slutty.
My dirty little secret is Kris Newcomb. Mathew Milder. Cameron Arnold. Andrew. Tyler Lillie.
My regrets: Kris Newcomb.
Sometimes Kris still talks to me, tells me how life is or how he's depressed and needs help. One time he even told me he was going to kill himself because he has nothing or no one to live for and wanted to say good bye to me. Every time he has ever pulled this shit with me I fall. I fall hard and I try to do everything I can for him. I swear I would do anything for him and he's the crappiest of them all! I don't even care about all the others. Only him.
He's the one I regret because I couldn't handle everything after him.
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