Ryan Fisher... my perfect Fake boyfriend

Ryan Fisher: the tall handsome smart college boy of my dreams... you are only mine... you don't exist. 
I made you up. I made my boyfriend up...
Remember that problem I was having with all these dumb boys hitting on me constantly? I told myself I was going to do something about it; and therefore I did do something. 

It started with a change on Facebook- from "single" to "In a relationship" but I had to keep the story going for it to work so when people (guys) asked I said his name is Ryan and we met at the college when I got my schedule. I told people (guys) that he helped me around the school and gave me his number in case I got lost again and we just really hit it off (thanks to my sister for the great story!). 

Then every time Nick would call I would just talk about how great things are going with us and how he was taking me to dinner or a movie so I could never talk to long because obviously I have work all day then I get home and then Ryan Fisher and I hangout. 

I really think this was a great idea and it has been working wonderfully! I just hope that no one ever wants to meet him... 

Things currently going on

First of all I want to say Nick please give it a break! You have a girlfriend so give her more attention and stop calling me everyday. I like to talk to you and be friends with you but.. come on! Stop saying that you love me and that we would be perfect together if I just gave you a chance. Like I said you DO have a girlfriend and you're too old for me. I don't mean to hurt him- I have told him every time he talks to me that way just sometimes it becomes too much and I want to strangle him, but I'm always nice. Ignoring you hasn't work now I have to actually talk to you because this is enough......
Secondly my whole room is put together!
Third.... I love the movie Hotel Transylvania!

10 Things I ACTUALLY like

1. Blonde guys (I find them soo attractive)
2. Orange Juice (It comforts me)
3. Ice cream (Its good for any emotion)
4. MUSIC (You can never go wrong with music <3 )
5. Nature (True beauty)
6. Sleep (I can never get enough)
7. Photography (Moments can last forever)
8. Art (Simple things become extraordinary)
9. My family (They are ALL so loving)
10. My style (No one has the same style as me!)

I don't know who I am....

I am who I am. Sometimes.
I am who I am when I want to be... When my dad isn't telling me that I need to go to college and be a chef with a restaurant so he could work there and do what he has always wanted; When people from church aren't judging me because I dress differently and try too hard. I can never relax around them. I am who I want to be when my mother isn't constantly criticizing what makes me. I am who I want to be when I'm not overly stressed because of college and money.
Truth is though I really don't know who I am. I know I am only 17 years old but I worry and think about these small details of who am I and who do I want to be? No one else my age does this however. I don't even know who I am when I'm alone because I'm so caught up in the fact that I'm behind in my summer classes; I'm caught up in the fact that I'm not getting paid enough and won't make enough money for my trip, and I'm caught up because simply I am not who I want to be. I want to be some supermodel, flirty, girl that has great stories and everyone including girls like me as a person. I am not the life of the party. Ever. I am the girl in the corner who sings to herself and bounces on her feet- I can't even keep a beat. I don't know who I am without my best friends from Nevada. They were my everything, I talked to them about everything everyday and now all I have is my dad (which he is amazing, don't get me wrong! Sometimes I just need a girl to talk to about girl things).
Most people think I have everything figured out and that I am so smart because I got a scholarship and I will be successful. Yes, I have a "plan" I know what I think I want to do. I am going to RCC for one year just to finish high school then I'm going to SOU for four years in Business and Accounting then I'm going to major in Culinary Arts in San Francisco. This is my plan. It has been my plan for years now.
I NEED TO FIND OUT WHO I AM!! ASAP!
I'm tired of this cranky, stressed out person I have been lately. I also have been getting hurt a lot more than usual too. Tomorrow I am going to get a blessing... my first step in helping myself.

The questions I always ask...

What is love? Who are you to decide what it is and also who is to decide what is right when it comes to love?
There has been a lot of news about gay marriage.. I will speak honestly; I am a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints- most people know me as a Mormon. In my church gays are not recognized, it is "wrong" and "not god like" to be that way.  I take a different stand point though. Now I don't want people to make judgments about us though; don't get me wrong we will always love and accept people from all sorts. We as a united religion try not to judge and to accept everyone and to love everyone.
I believe that being gay or bi or straight isn't a choice but a feeling. I know that some people don't like the taste of chocolate... it isn't a choice to hate chocolate or other sweets it just come naturally to them; they may like fruit better and who is to say what they feel or like or know what they want is wrong??  That is my stand point.

Why is it that old people drive so slow? Is it just simply because they are old and don't know any better or maybe its because they have had such a long and hard life full of traumatic incidents that they want to be sure to drive safe.

Now this question is a little bit confusing but Do I see the same things you do? Like I know we both have been taught that the sky is blue and that tigers have black stripes but the color you have been taught is black is that the color I would see as pink?? (This doesn't really apply to people that are color blind)
I know that everyone sees the same thing differently. For example some people find me attractive and others not at all, its because they see me "differently" but what causes one average guy to look past me and the next one to fall head over heels? Its not just about me either but simple details like the gold trim on my DC shoes or the way the sun looks when it comes up. These things go unnoticed sometimes but why? How?

First Love

I know what is wrong with me... I never let go of things. I hold on to them. It isn't always a bad thing just sometimes it tires you down. I recently was looking at old pictures and remembering the good times- missing the great moments! I do miss a lot of things. My first love. I miss him... it sounds crazy! But he was the first- and the only person I said those three precious words of passion: "I Love You". I did or thought I did and... think I still do? I don't know what is going on with me but when I saw his picture I felt so happy and warm and giggly and still can't stop smiling... just like the first time he kissed me. It was my first kiss. It wasn't the best but they got better after that first awkward moment in his bedroom. I remember it like it was yesterday. He lived right across the street from me and that one summer we hung out ALL the time and did everything together. Together. We were together.
His parents were cool and really liked me, I loved going over there and he was always at my house as well. It was the year my parents were getting a divorce so it was just my mom and I living there because my two brothers were in Washington and my father was in Oregon. Seth would be over at my house at ten or eleven at night because we would watch the stars or we would watch a movie. It's funny too because he was always at my house before I met him, he was helping my mom with a lot of things around the house or cut wood and stuff when everyone was gone. She is the one who introduced us and wanted something to happen.
When my brother got home and found out all about him he was furious! He threatened him and all this crap and told him to leave and never come to our house again. Seth would still come over sometimes but my dumb brother fed him the same speech each time. Then we moved.
When I came back to visit I stopped by his house and talked with his parents; he came out and was surprised to see me. He also said I looked really good and stuff. I remember and regret this- he walked me home and we just talked and got caught up again but when he asked for a hug I said "No, because you are a bad boy and I don't hug bad boys." I still remember that! I was so mad at myself. I thought that he would still hug me or something or see right through me but he just turned and walked away and that was the last time I talked to him...

Finally!

This may sound ridiculous but I have had no luck with finding a friend that is a girl and that I can just be myself around! For girls especially in high school it is important to find someone you can be totally dorky around and talk about boys to. I had two amazing friends where I moved from and I love them dearly; in fact I miss them all the time!! My one friend Ashley I considered as my sister and we convinced everyone that we were half sisters by the time we got to our Junior year- we started this white lie in Seventh grade! That's how close we are and have been. We just got along perfectly and knew each others' flaws and still love each other for them! I am so terrible at keeping in contact with old friends but not with her even if I don't tell her something for months we always know when something is wrong and when we need to talk. My other friend Sophia is gorgeous. She is the tall, skinny dark haired beauty everyone loves! In fact shes in a pageant and everything! I love this girl to death as well and all though she has amazing and classy style she is a crazy, dorky, awkward girl.
Since I have been here I have been unable to find someone like these two amazing people that I have known all of my social life pretty much! I have hung out with a couple girls here and there but none of them I have really clicked to. In fact at my birthday party there were like eight guys and three girls- two girls were the girlfriends of guys I hang out with and the other girl I just invited to be nice.
Anyway lately I have been feeling lonely although none of my guy friends will leave me alone... I need some girl time!
Finally I have found it though! A girl I go to church with is super cute and is friends with EVERYONE! She is so sweet so I called her up and we have already gotten along so wonderfully therefore we are going to go roller skating and then to a dance the night after! I cant wait!! It's going to be fun and I can tell I'm going to be good friends with her.

:)